Life is Unfair

Even I had several things to have it like the way I wanted and never got them like the way I wanted. But looking at how my parents led their life, I started living my life too being more content with whatever I had and what ever I am gonna get in the future. Didnt have too many expectations. Didnt get jealous on anybody nor was upset if everybody else did great with less effort and I didnt with little extra effort. I thought I am born this way I will live this way and dont want to be compared with anything or anybody. With all these started feeling much better because every time I failed in something I realized I did my best but I still cant get it as it could be for some good reason. Always believed that " God gives only good things to good people" sometimes we like which may not be good or something which could unknowingly destroy you. But only HE knows he what is right for us so sometimes it makes us unhappy momentarily but it is ok as HE is taking the responsibility to get us good things in life. With this hope I lived my life all these days and took all the pain with a smile on my face. No physical pain or financial pain or any kind of pain except for emotional can hurt me more.
Hence, I was always bound to my Dad, mom and my sister with great love, affection and care.
My parents are everything, they gave me love, trust and hope and I can rely on them anytime anywhere and with anything. They are definitely one of the best things I am given even before I knew. Any pain from them was not at all any biggie but made me move more closer to them eventually.

I always lived in this satisfaction, that no matter what I get or what I want atleast I am glad I have best parents and best sister and of course here and there a whole lot of love from my great friends who definitely share my life in happiness and sorrow. But my parents are always best and friends come in, leave a footprint and few of them sometimes fade off.

With this I was certaint that what ever happens happen for good. I was thought the same and I learnt the same with my own experience and expected the same. But after I found the person, who is the love of my life - who has all those qualities that I always dreamt off. In short, I felt my all actions were paid by GOD. I thought HE is happy to give me this love for have seen me how satisfied in life. I thought HE has really blessed me with my dream to come true. I was so much happy and in the sky with great happiness and joy with the love of my life.

Everything did definitely go well, we loved each other very well we did talk to our parents and seems like our parents didnt have any problem with it except for one major disaster. And yes, that major disaster turned out my life upside down. It is like having your favorite thing right in front of you but cant have it. Dont you feel tempted, dont you feel dissatisfied, dont you feel jealous or dont you feel how unlucky you are while being in this situations ??

I felt it- it literally changed my character. May be it was meant to do so or may be it was meant to assasinate my character, but I started feeling- I have nobody, i dont need anybody, i hate myself , i dont love anybody, i dont trust anybody, let the whole world fall apart - i dont care. let the entire thing i have shatter into pieces- i dont care. sometimes i feel my parents can help me - i talk to them. But i feel some what dissatisfied because talking to hundreds of poeple is also not enough at this time to get my feelings straight. My problem is I know the fact that I cant have what i loved what i dreamt - so i also know nobody can do anything about it. That is my helpless situation. That makes me mad person. It makes me feel, did I struggle this much for this day. HE never gave me what I asked till now and I only had it ever since day one that do anything you want to but do not hurt me emotionally. Slap me tight, give me trouble, give me problems, give me stress, give me any other crap on this earth - i will live with it with a smile but I asked him ,never ditch me when I love some one that too being so dedicated in life. But, HE did it. Time and again, HE did it. This time it hurt me to the core, why did I even believe anybody. No fate or destiny can help me, everybody cheated me. Everybody on this earth are with me but still cant help me. I am so so helpless. I dont need anything now - I am alone all alone. with my parents crying for me to get better everyday and that person I love is still supporting me through all hardships and all my friends giving me moral strength. But only I know how miserable I feel. I feel life has been unfair to me this time.
To dear life, I didnt ask you for anything and you did this to me, you made me fall in love - I didnt run to find that guy. Everything happened coincidently and today you made me the person I am not. You make me hurt my parents because I hurt them saying I am alone and nobody can help me. You make me hurt the person I love because I am not sure, if he loves me like this always or stops it when he find someone. Everything is fair in its position except me.
Dont know how am I gonna live this life. I have a huge conflict within myself when I even try to pray God. My heart questions me- what are you gonna pray today..ask for peace or ask for happiness -which you will never get thinking about this love. ask for what ??? Why do you even ask God to give you..all these days you believed him he will give you something good and see what he gave you...My heart insults me why do you even pray God because he hurt me and cant you see the pain I have and dont you feel anything for me?

I also followed my heart all these days and mostly kept my other things going smoothly and so far my heart has protected me from some of the happenings and it senses something even before the today's technology can do it. Like, it always knocked my mind to say if my mom wasnt feeling well or my dad was upset or my sister is crying..whatsoever and today...if I tell my heart - you get lost, you didnt make a right choice,you cant have that guy and he is not yours.. then what am i left with ?

A body with torn heart and a brain which can functionally normally with no goal ?? Am I a computer or am I a robot with no emotions. Doesnt it look like I put every rule/policy that I made myself from my heart is false and I failed in life ??

Now, I dont even know who to ask this question.. My dad always said..for every problem on this earth there is a solution..but time taken to search and solve is variable. I agree. Where will I search a solution for this one... I guess HE has to come down to this earth to tell me even the way to search the solution ....


This life as been pretty unfair....and I just dont know what more can I write.............living it with no ending........